WELCOME TO UNCLE ANDY'S Rules: The 1st rule of Prank Club is:  You do not talk about Prank Club. The 2nd rule of Prank Club is:  You do not talk about Prank Club. The 3rd rule of Prank Club:  Only nephews and nieces may submit pranks. The 4th rule of Prank Club:  Certain names/e-mails may be changed or altered. The 5th rule of Prank Club:  All pranks are considered to be fake. The 6th rule of Prank Club:  Do not harass or threaten ANY representatives listed on this website. The 7th rule of Prank Club:  Do not drop the soap. And the 8th and final rule of Prank Club:  If this is your first night at Prank Club, you have to read all pranks. ZIP IT UP 10.01.02 Jasper Boscoe to Plastic Bag Company · I was at a party the other night and ended up sleeping with a girl and well I didn't have a condom, so I grabbed a Zitloc baggie. It kind of worked but well I'm getting really worried, like this girl has been puking a lot, and she thinks something is wrong with her, and I'm really paranoid that I got her pregnant. Do you think a Zitloc bag could prevent it? I'm just so worried, and I don't remember which type I used. Please help. Response · Dear Jasper, Thank you for your recent e-mail regarding ZITLOC brand bags. Due to the nature of your concerns I have forwarded your email to our Product Safety Group for their response. Someone should be responding to you shortly. Sincerely, Nancy H   (Editor's note: We'll be sure to follow this one up!)   LAXATIVES AND BEER? 10.01.02   Marquis Drake to a Beer Company · Hi there...I've been an avid Buttwiper drinker for quite some time now! I was recently informed that if I take laxative while drinking a few beers it will enhance my "buzz"... Basically I'm just trying to see if there is any truth behind this rumor!? If so, which brand of laxative would you suggest I buy? I love a good beer and am always looking for a way to make my experience a better! ;-) Hopefully you guys can help me out with this... Oh, and if you have any other ideas that can enhance my "buzz" please let me know! I'm looking forward to your response.   Marquis Drake   Response · Marquis, Thank you for contacting Aneurism-Butch.  Although we appreciate your loyalty to the Buttwiper product, we must discourage you from taking any type of medication or laxatives while consuming our products. In addition, we produce our beer to be enjoyed by persons who are of legal drinking age, who will enjoy the product responsibly. Again, Marquis, thank you for contacting Aneurism-Butch. Please contact us back if we can be of further assistance.   Your Friends at Anal-Tush ATTACK ON IRAQ 09.14.02 Marquis Drake to Iraq Action Coalition · Good day! Looking at your website it is my understanding that you wish to end the war on Iraq...Well I have the perfect solution for this! Wouldn't you guys agree we should just drop a Nuke on them and get over with it?   Thanks, Marquis Drake PS: I was wondering Where I could join this "Iraq Action Coalition" thing??   Response · Since you believe in mass murder -- i.e. nuking an entire population -- then the Iraq Action Coalition would not be suitable for you. SEXY SEARCH 09.13.02 Marquis Drake to Web Search Engine · Hello there... I just started using your search engine and was wondering how many "Adult" websites do you have in your browser?? I'm trying to decide which engine is best for my specific "needs" (Yayhoo, WebCrawl, sEXCITE, Giggle etc...)? I'll spare you the details. Anyways let me know!   Thanks, Marquis Drake   Response · Hello, Thank you for your interest in being included in searches on sExcite. sExcite is a Meta Search engine, which means that it searches the results of other search engines. Because of this we do not maintain our own database nor do we take submissions. In order to have a better chance of your site being found in sExcite searches you will want to submit your site to the search engines that sExcite searches. DOGGY TAMPONS 09.12.02 Lucky Pierre to Tampon Company · Hi, I have a golden retriever, and she is the sweetest little girl in the whole world, but I also have a problem... She is on the rag now and I wanted to know if you have any products that can be used to get rid of her nasty 'discharge.'  I thought about buying some tampons at the store, but I'm worried she'll pull the string out with her teeth in the middle of the night and I'll step on it when I go to take a piss. Response · Hi, Lucky Pierre.  We have not tested Rampax Tampons for their use on anyone but female humans. I recommend you ask your vet what you should use. Kate PS: Need help choosing the right feminine protection? Want to know more about women's health? Visit our website. FINGER PAINT 09.11.02 Jasper Boscoe to Printing Company · I am a teacher of a kindergarten class and have heard that the ink in your printer cartridges is good for using as finger paint. I would like to order some cartridges for my class, but I wanted to make sure this was safe before doing so. Also, how many cartridges do you think would suffice for a group of about 20 kids? It probably will be a recurring project. I look forward to hearing from you. --Jasper   Response - Dear Jasper Boscoe: Thank you for contacting the new JP.  Jewlett-Packtard has not tested using the ink in our ink cartridges as finger paint. Jewlett-Packtard does not recommend using the ink in our ink cartridges as finger paint. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you.   Sincerely, Leanna Black Representative CHICKEN NUGGETS 09.10.02 Jasper Boscoe to Fast Food Restaurant · Hello, I have been looking on the website but I couldn't find it.  So I thought I'd just ask here. What is the nutritional content of a Chicken MacNugget Happy Meal? I can only eat certain items because of my health, and I love the MacNuggets but I might have to give them up. You can e-mail me at my e-mail address. Thank you.   Response - I apologize but we do not sell MacNuggets. You would have to contact MacDonald's for that information.   Thank you. I NEED "STALK" 09.10.02 Jasper Boscoe to Retail Store · Hi, I've been hearing that the stalk market is down. I was at your store the other day and was surprised by how much things you have and the prices are really low. I ended up buying a lots of things and they made me happy. So I was thinking the stalk market has been doing horrible lately and I want to get in and to start I want to buy some Wal-Fart stalk. So I was looking around your website to try and buy some stalk but I can't find any. Are they all gone? Can you help a fella out. You can e-mail me at.  I thank you for helping.   Response · We're happy to hear you liked shopping our store and are interested in buying our stock. Our mail room will send an investment packet to you at the address listed below. You should receive it within 7 to 10 days. Thank you for your interest in our company. RUMORS 09.10.02 Jasper Boscoe to Department Store · Hello. I heard a rumor that your company may be changing their name from Fellows to Fellas as a way of sounding more informal and fun, possibly as a way to sound more appealing to younger generations. If this is true I think that is really silly and I just wanted to voice my opinion. Sincerely, Jasper Boscoe Response · Thanks for your e-mail; Fellows is the family name of the people who actually began this company. Unless they change their name, our company name will remain the same! Thank you for your interest in Fellows products. Fellows First Line Customer Service - L. Golonka   ANOTHER SIGHTING 09.09.02 Lucky Pierre to UFO Sighting Organization · I was outside my father's farm doing some work with my uncle Andy.  We first noticed the object when it was right over our heads.  When we first saw it, we were both really nervous and just knew it was a UFO.  We were both brought into the aircraft and were immediately put onto a table and operated on. I received some sort of chip that has affected my testosterone levels somehow, because I feel a sense of arousal around stereo equipment. Then we were tested around different objects to see our results. my uncle did not receive any results from the procedure.  Then I remember waking up from a daze as the aircraft took off and  left.  Now I have odd feelings around things like speakers and radios. Now it even seems that girls act differently around me, like I have an appeal to them even more than normal... I have a question though: Has this sort of thing ever been reported, and where was it reported from? Also: Can you tell me where these creatures are from?  They must be sex studs, because all the girls want me now :) Response · Hello Lucky Pierre We just received your report from the UFO Illinois State Director.  My husband and I are UFO members and Mic is the State Section Director of four counties here, in middle Illinois. See this for our UFO Illinois Website:  [censored].  Mic is in the picture, in the back, 2nd from the left. I wish we could have gotten a note off to you sooner, but we are very careful to release any private information (Names, address, e-mail, telephone numbers) of the repartees to ONLY the member who's responsible for investigating the incident. We are serious researchers, have a large library of books, go to UFO conferences, and know a LOT about the subject. We would like to come out as soon as possible and ask both of you some questions about your experience and get a soil sample! We live in Normal (just North of Bloomington)  We're glad you reported this right away! It'll be fresh in your mind. To answer some of your questions:  "Has this sort of thing ever been reported" - Yes. Some of what you've reported is very common, as it's happened all over the world to thousands, some a little different.  "where was it reported from?" We need to ask some more questions before we can narrow it down enough to point you to reference material. "Can you tell me where these creatures are from?" Not without further description. Please call us as soon as you get a chance. (xxx) xxx-xxxx P.S. While it's fresh in your mind, would you please draw pictures of the craft and the beings that you saw? From different angles? It doesn't matter if you're an artist or not. Please try? It'll help to explain your experience to us. Did you have any marks on your bodies and if so can you take a picture as soon as possible?  AMERICAN PIE 09.09.02 Lucky Pierre to Fast Food Restaurant · Hi, I was wondering about your apple pies.  I watched a movie called "American Pie" and I got a few ideas on how I can "make better use" of pastry products.  I was wondering if you had any suggestions on using your warm apple pies for masturbation, because of their handy shape, size, and low prices. Response · Thank you so much for your interest in our products.  We currently do not have any other uses for our apple pies other than consumption.  I apologize for not being more help to you.  Thanks again.   RARE FETISH FIND 08.09.02 Uncle Andy to Leading Porn Producer · I'm wondering if you have any videos with Asian Bisexual Midget Animal-rapists. I have a fetish for that and they're a bitch to find. Please let me know of any good titles if you know of any. Uncle Andy Response · Sir, I'm not exactly sure if we have those types of videos. Please call 1-800-423-4227. Thank You. Uncle Andy Response · what's that number? is it some fetish club? Uncle Andy Response · No, that is the main Porn Line. WORLD'S MOST EFFICIENT PIZZA 08.09.02 Uncle Andy to Leading Frozen Pizza Manufacturer · I'm wondering why you still make pizzas round? Wouldn't it be easier to make them in a triangle or square or trapezoid shape... something with flat edges so you can just make them on an assembly line and have a big knife go *whack* and cut them to shape? I think there would be a lot more waste with them being circles. Response · Dear Uncle Andy: Thank you for contacting our company regarding our products. There are no real operational efficiencies to be gained by manufacturing a square product versus a round one. Our manufacturing plant has established extensive operational efficiencies that enable use to be effective in this preparation method.  Thank you for your feed back regarding the shape of our pizzas. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. TOOTHPASTE AS A CONTRACEPTIVE? 08.09.02 Uncle Andy to Leading Toothpaste Manufacturer · Hello.  I have heard some rumors about your toothpaste being a good lubricant for intercourse, and being effective at preventing pregnancy and the transmission of STDs. I was wondering if you could provide me with some information either backing up or denying this claim. It sounds kind of crazy to me, but if it works then I might have to give it a shot. Also, if so, which flavors of Crest are the most effective for this? If you have any information or instructions, it would be greatly appreciated. Response · Hi. our toothpaste is not designed to be a lubricant or to prevent pregnancy and the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases and should not be used for these purposes. If you have further questions, we recommend you consult your doctor.  BEST LUBE FOR ANAL SEX 08.09.02 Uncle Andy to Leading Car Accessory Lubricant · I've heard from some friends that WD-40 makes a good lubricant for anal sex. I'm a bit hesitant to use it, because although the stuff smells good, I'm worried that it might irritate the more sensitive parts of my and my girlfriend's body. I know the stuff works great to keep things sliding smoothly, so it probably does work great. Have you heard of anyone trying this before? Is it safe? Thanks.  Response  · Dear lubricant customer: Thank you for contacting our office. Our spray is formulated to be a light lubricant, penetrating oil, and water displacing corrosion preventative. It contains petroleum distillates and should be handled with the same precautions for this type of material. It is not be to used for internal or for medical purposes. Best regards! BEST WAY TO WIPE 08.09.02 Uncle Andy to Leading Toilet Paper Manufacturer · Hello, I have a question. Often times after I defecate, I proceed to wipe myself with your product. However, I often notice that after 5 or even 6 subsequent wipes there is still a considerable amount of brown/green on the toilet paper. I have tried other brands of toilet paper and have consistently ran into this dilemma, so I do not think your product is at fault here. I was curious if you could offer some advice on a better method of wiping and usage of your product. I generally get about 15 sheets, wad them into a ball and wipe myself from the top to the bottom. I am curious of what other methods there may be for more effective wiping. Am I using too many sheets? Too few? Should I try wiping in another direction? Should I roll the sheets into other shapes? Sometimes I roll it into a rod type shape and try to "shovel" myself clean but that just tends to be even more messy altogether. Please let me know if you have any thoughts or advice on how I may make better use of your product. Response · Although we manufacture many bathroom tissue products, you may want to consult a medical professional about hygiene habits. Usage varies from person to person based on many different factors. BEST COMPUTER FOR HACKING 08.08.02 Jasper Boscoe to Leading Computer Manufacturer · What is the best type of computer for hacking? Response · Dear Mr. Boscoe, Thank you for contacting us.  Unfortunately, hacking is an illegal practice. We would not be at liberty to divulge this type of information.  If you need further assistance please let us know. (Editor's note: Is it unfortunate that hacking is an illegal practice?) BEST TAPE FOR BONDAGE 08.07.02 Uncle Andy to Leading Adhesive Manufacturer · My wife and I are into bondage and we are looking for a good, strong tape that will leave a nice little red mark for a while, but won't cause a rash and isn't too painful on arm and leg hair when being removed. What do you suggest? Response · Thank you for contacting our health care division, we value your interest.  Unfortunately, we are unable to offer medical advice such as you are requesting. We suggest that you contact your physician or pharmacist for advice. UFO SIGHTING ORGANIZATION 08.07.02 Uncle Andy to UFO Sighting Organization  · I live on a farm near Fayetteville. On the night in question, I woke up to this loud jet-like sound... louder than I've ever heard before. I noticed a faint blue-green glow coming in my window so I went to the window and looked out. There was this huge object out in a field near my home. The light coming from it was so bright that I couldn't make out an exact shape, but I would guess that it would be a sphere. My cows were all huddled in a corner of the pasture furthest from the object... They were mooing and very restless. I quickly put some shoes on and walked outside towards the light. Looking back, I don't know why on earth I did this. As I got to within about 50 or 60 feet of the object, I was hit in the face with this blinding white light and the jet-like noise came again. Immediately (or at least it seemed that way) I woke up in my bed. It was morning and I was bleeding rectally and my son's pet gerbil was missing. I went to a doctor and he said that I had a mild tear, nothing to worry too much about. I'm ok now other than almost daily nightmares. Please, don't try to contact me in any other way but by e-mail. I'm afraid they'll come back if they find out that I told anyone.  UFO Response · Uncle Andy:  I'm the computer liaison for our state director, George Lucas III.  I'm going to send him a print-out of your UFO encounter report (as I always do with these reports). However, because you have not provided any form of contact information except an email address, he's not going to be able to reach you except through me, and, more importantly, an investigator is not going to be able to reach you to discuss your experience in greater detail, except via the computer. Although an investigation could be done via email, I don't think that's usually how it goes.  If you don't want to pursue your report any further than this, let me know and we'll simply file the report in our cumulative database and that will be that. If you do want to pursue your report further, write back and let me have a phone number, at least, so someone can call you. Or, if you would prefer, we can try to do it via email. You sound like you may be a bit frightened or nervous about the experience -- or is it just about reporting it? If it's the experience that is bothering you, you need to know that there are people who take these things seriously as real events, not just hallucinations (although there are those, too). I (or an investigator) can refer you on to someone who can try to help you process whatever kind of event this was. Thanks for sending us your experience report. I'll be waiting to hear from you so that I know what I can tell George about contacting you. (If anything.) Uncle Andy Response · I'm sorry, I can't give my phone. I'm scared they will come back. I've heard about all kinds of alien reports where different things happen, but these aliens actually injured me. And, I was totally defenseless. They could do anything they want to me. You can ask me any questions you want and I'll try to help, but I want to stay as anonymous as possible. They could still be out there, monitoring our transmissions. UFO Response · OK. Can you give me a description of what happened? Uncle Andy Response · I already told you on the website! Why do I have to repeat it? Are you working for them or something???? I'm sorry, but I can't tell you anymore than what you already know. They're watching, I just know it! UFO Response · Actually, the form only provides the most basic of details, given in a few words and no more. Usually there is more that can be said in a narrative format.  But you sound like you don't want to talk about this even here, in this forum. That's OK. If you ever do want to talk, you can email me again. In the meantime, thanks for submitting your report. I'll forward it on to George with the understanding that you really don't want to talk. Uncle Andy Response · OH MY GOD!!!! I GAVE A NARRATIVE REPORT!!!! Those alien bastards must have deleted it!!! They're on to me! I'd better take steps to protect my family. Good luck, and watch out for them!