THE THEORY OF THE SINGLE HOLE PUNCH
Submitted by: Uncle Andy
Recently I found myself questioning the relative value of various office supplies. More accurately I found myself cursing my office's inability to furnish me with a single hole punch, the cheapest and most useful office tool.
To prove this theory, let's first use the Dollar Tree test. If the Dollar Tree doesn't have it, it's neither cheap nor useful. Here's a list of office supplies you can expect to find at your neighborhood Dollar Tree:
Erasers
Pens
Pencils
Rulers and Protractors
Pencil Boxes
Pencil Sharpeners
Correction Fluid
Single Hole Punches
Now, because these are all at the Dollar Tree, you can't really question their cheapness. They're all equally cheap.
Next, let's look at each of these items and their usefulness.
Erasers:
Great for correcting mistakes in pencil. Not great for correcting mistakes in pen. Also, erasing your mistake does not guarantee that your correction will be correct either. That leads to the question, "Will I know when I need to erase anyway?" I think we can rule out erasers as completely useless because they only work for pencils (which already have erasers on them anyway). Also, if we look at those who use pencils, chances are, they expect to make mistakes, otherwise why not use a pen? If they expect to make mistakes, I'm sure that lack of confidence will be enough to not only create mistakes, but make those mistakes undetectable by the pencil user.
Pens:
Very useful writing instruments. However, have you ever used a cheap pen? Every time I use a cheap pen it goes like this. Begin writing... no ink coming out... shake pen... try again... still no ink... lick point... get ink poisoning.. try again... still no ink... cuss... throw away... grab another pen... repeat. Not only are they useless, they can raise your blood pressure which could eventually cost you thousands in medical bills.... NOT cheap.
Pencils:
Another useful writing instrument unless you get a cheap one in which case you write and have to squint to locate any graphite left on the paper. I've actually seen people lick pencils before too. I have no idea how this is supposed to help the "flow" of graphite onto the paper. I think it's probably just to test the sharpness of the graphite. If your tongue bleeds, it's probably sharp enough. These things need constant resharpening (which requires the purchase of a pencil sharpener) and break frequently. If you are able to find golf/bowling pencils at the Dollar Tree, these are more useful because their short length and less severe point makes them less susceptible to breaking. However, you can get these free at golf courses and bowling alleys and they don't have erasers, requiring purchase of an eraser at the Dollar Tree.
Rulers and Protractors:
Seemingly very useful office supplies. However, have you ever seen a "Certified" ruler or protractor? There's no organization watching out for the accuracy of these items, which are most often used just as straight-edges anyway. I would hope that the SAE would get involved and start certifying measuring tools. If this does happen, I'm sure the price will shoot through the roof, making them far from cheap. Until they are less useless, their cheapness isn't a factor in this discussion.
Pencil Boxes:
These are for little kids who don't have permanent desks. Also they look kinda fruity when carried by a guy in a suit, they come EMPTY, and the hinges and latches break all the time. If you have a desk, you've already got a really big pencil box.
Pencil Sharpeners:
Useless without a pencil or crayon. Often the blade is put in crooked, making a weak spot in the graphite that causes your pencil to break immediately. The only use I've found for these is removing the blade, melting it into an old toothbrush, and using it as a weapon in prison.
Correction Fluid:
Just like an eraser only it works for pens and takes roughly 12 hours to dry. You know this if you have ever used it and tried writing within an hour or so. What's the point of correction fluid that can't be re-written on? You might as well just take the pen and scribble over your mistake. This stuff is fundamentally flawed. It doesn't even do what it says it does! That's the pinnacle of uselessness! However it is pretty good at getting you high.
Single Hole Punches:
The finest cheap and useful office tool ever made. It always works (unless you try putting too much paper in it and bend it or dull the blade you moron). Keep it well-oiled and it will serve you well for at least 2 or maybe even 3 weeks! What other tool can make any piece of paper fit in any sized binder while at the same time making fun confetti for the next office party? Also, you can use these holes to hang stuff. I think office organizing experts overlook the lost space that is made by hanging objects from the ceiling. Just tie some string to the rails in the ceiling and tie the other end through a hole punched through an important paper. It's quickly accessible and helps determine wind speed and direction during your next game of tabletop football. Also, you can use your single hole punch to make little plastic circles out of milk jugs. These are great for keeping your trailer hooks in the right position on your spinner baits! Any office supply that you can also use for really important activities like fishing only adds to it's usefulness. You can also use your single hole punch to make a hole in construction paper, which you then use to patch over a hole in the women's restroom wall. Add a mini spy camera and you've got a multi-million dollar website waiting to happen!
Good Luck, and keep punching!
- Uncle Andy