WORDS OF WISDOM

"I'll see that when I believe it." - Uncle Andy.

"If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll just have to find someone else." - Uncle Andy.

"If you don't try, you'll never fail, and failure builds character." - Uncle Andy.

"Why get drunk when a nice, big unexpected explosion will deteriorate your motor skills much more quickly?" - Uncle Andy.

"You never see an A-cup transvestite." - Uncle Andy.

"Don't use drugs. That way you won't feel as bad about the unhealthy food that's killing you." - Uncle Andy.

"I can think of no better way to bash gays than to make people think I'm one of them." - Uncle Andy.

"Uncle Andy doesn't drink because the combination of inebriation and sexual frustration can lead to really ugly women." - Uncle Andy.

"Fiction spreads like wildfire among the ignorant." - Uncle Andy.

"It is much more difficult to capture a truth than to absorb a falsehood." - Uncle Andy.

"The only people who need a living wage are those who are unable to come up with a living budget." - Uncle Andy.

"Labor unions are a great way to ensure job security, high wages, and expansive fringe benefits... for politicians." - Uncle Andy.

"If I ever get tickets to the Oscars I want to walk in wearing an NRA hat and a fur coat, eating a ham sandwich. I wonder which celebrity will take a swing at me first." - Uncle Andy.

"Wal-Mart is for pussies... Real men shop at Farm & Fleet." - Uncle Andy.

"If you think people are pissed about Toyota in NASCAR, just wait until they introduce the #3 Goodwrench Gas Electric Hybrid Chevrolet. - Uncle Andy.

"A woman's brain is like a hot dog factory. If you knew what was going on inside, you'd probably give up on them for life." - Uncle Andy.

"Feces ain't natural. You gots to poop to gets it out!" - Uncle Andy.

"Some days you catch lots of fish, and other days end in Y." - Uncle Andy.

"Don't forget the dash!" - Uncle Andy.

"A dream is a goal without a plan." - Uncle Andy.

"Impatience breeds stupidity." - Uncle Andy.